This can also apply to any meal with extended family... 

Tips to eating turkey, not your feelings:

• Depending on what time turkey dinner is served, eat a light breakfast - enough that you will be hungry for dinner but not too hungry. Keep in mind that if you are hungry for dinner, it will taste better. If, however, you are too hungry when you eat, you will tend to overeat and eat too fast to enjoy the food. 
• If your family is like many, there will be lots of food lying around before dinner starts. Do not snack on these before dinner; again, you want to feel hungry (at about a 3 on a 10 point scale) before dinner. However, if it looks good to you, consider saving some to eat during dinner. Wrap it up in a napkin, if you want. Often times, just knowing you can have the treat later, will diminish the need for it NOW.
• Only put on your plate the foods you love. Challenge yourself to pass up the salad that your Aunt Suzy made just because you don’t want her to feel bad. This scenario is often an underlying issue for compulsive eaters and will only hurt you in the end.
• Half way through your meal, stop eating and check in with your body. Notice where you are on the hunger scale (see my article "Put Your Hunger on the Scale" on my website). When you start to feel full, slow down or stop eating. Make sure you can take home leftovers. For example, ask your host for leftovers – "Mom, this turkey and gravy is DELICIOUS! I really want to eat more now but I am too full. Would you mind if I take some home to enjoy tomorrow?" Again, making this happen and reminding yourself of it can help ease your desire to continue eating the yummy food.
• If you begin to feel overwhelmed with family, consider taking a walk, talking to someone you like, or even hiding out in the bathroom for a bit. It's often hard to let yourself feel the pain or sadness of a difficult interaction with family members. However if you do nothing but just be aware of your feelings, you'll ultimately feel better than if you lose control and have to cope with the added physical discomfort and emotional guilt of eating to cope with those family feelings.
• Save room for pie! If your family is like mine, pie seems to come way too soon after dinner. Remember that you can always say, "I’m not hungry yet, I’ll wait to eat my slice later" and be sure your favorite is saved for you. Trust me, you will enjoy your pie more if you are hungry when you eat it.
• Spend some time giving thanks and appreciation to yourself, your growth, people in your life, pets that you love. Create a new family ritual or just do this yourself or with friends.

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner, yourself, and the people you spend it with! Thank you for being a part of a community that supports a healthy relationship with food and your body.

 

I have recently discovered a blog that speaks my language and that I think you will also appreciate.  It is called Junkfood Science by Sandy Szwarc, BSN, RN, CCP who tells us about the research and information that no one else does. 

In her bio, she says, "So much valuable and critically important information, and the very best science — well documented in careful, objective, evidence-based research — is never reported and almost never published. Fear sells and unfounded scares, exaggerations and “what-ifs?” are being used to terrify people about their foods, bodies and health."
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We all have heard and continue to hear that if you are fat, you are unhealthy and more likely to get the "fat people" diseases.  What if I told you this was simply not true.  Would you believe me?  Not to long ago, I wouldn't have believed it myself.  But now, I know better. 

The information we are told is just simply the information that gets published... what newspapers write about, what news stories inform us, what your doctor hears about, etc.  There is a belief system in our society that if you are fat, you are more likely to die early, be diseased, and be generally more unhealthy.  It is the crux to which we are sold the diet mentality.  And, it is NOT TRUE.

Breaking down any belief system is difficult and takes time.  The Junkfood Science blog helps do just that.  She tells us about studies that won't be published, or talked about, or seen.  They are real but they refute the belief system powerfully in place.  And, quite frankly, refute those who make billions of dollars every year... the diet industry.

I encourage you to read her blog and to challenge your belief systems around this.  Doing so may very well help you on the path to accepting your own body and food choices, to becoming more critical, to breaking down the beliefs that keep you dieting and thinking way too much about food and your body. 

A reader recently wrote a comment regarding avoiding events where food would be served or to which she feared she would be the largest woman in the room (see comment under title: You are an Eater).  She had mentioned that she felt this was "crazy."  Well, it isn't. 

I believe a lot of people feel this way.  I hear a lot from clients about how they are afraid to be around food... afraid others will judge them and their food choices, afraid they will lose control around the food, afraid to be judged negatively based on size especially when food is involved.  These things do happen and are real.  Unfortunately, right now, our society judges based on body size.  Discrimination and prejudice are present. 

But, you don't have to participate!  It is hard not to.  I know.  I have to be careful myself not to judge myself and/or others.  It is so accepted that I think we all do it.  Be aware of it and catch yourself in the act.  As soon as you do, change your thoughts.  For example, if you catch yourself judging your body, "I can't be around people when I am this fat," notice it and change it.  Perhaps you can change it to, "I have friends who like me and like being around me despite my size."  It is true!  You are NOT your size.  You are so many other things.  What are they?  Name them, write them down, remember them and give yourself credit for them.  Do the same if you catch yourself judging someone else.  They are not their size either... who are they beyond that? 

Doing so will help you to have more positive feelings toward yourself and will help with your relationship to food.  As well, you will be helping society too!  The more people that understand and fight against the prejudice and discrimination against fat people (or anyone who isn't thin), the better.  Don't you think?

As men and women with food and body image challenges, we may learn to deny several parts of ourselves, including the part that eats. I think this is what diets teach us to do. Therefore, in order to heal your relationship to food and your body, you may need to reclaim your eater.

The below "Eaters Agreement" was taken from a passage in Marc David’s book Nourishing Wisdom. As you read it, I invite you to take this on… to really let yourself embrace the eater in you. Even if you tend to push it away after you read the passage, at least experience it fully while reading. See what it feels like to do so. And, if you wish, print it out, hang it up, and take it on each day from this day forward.

THE EATERS AGREEMENT

I hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation--a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.

As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause undesirable consequences.

Because the essence of my participation in life is one of learning and exploration, I agree to experience uncertainty as an eater. I recognize there are a great variety of foods to choose from, and I may not know which to eat. I may have a choice of different nutritional approaches, and not know which to follow. I have an assortment of habits, and not know how to manage them. I recognize that my relationship to food is a learning process and I will inevitably make mistakes. Therefore, as an eater, I agree to accept my humanness and learn as I go along.

I acknowledge that as the body changes from infancy to old age, so will the eating process change. I recognize that my body may call for different foods as the days, seasons, and years progress. My dietary needs will also shift in accord with changes in my life-style and environment. I understand that there is no one perfect diet.

As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by my choice of food or eating habits. I may also experience pain when emotional and spiritual hungers are confused with physical hunger. I further understand that eating to cure a pain that cannot be remedied by eating may bring even more pain.

I further agree to accept a body that is imperfect and vulnerable, that naturally decays with the passage of time. I recognize there will be moments when I am incapable of caring for it myself. I agree, then that to live in a body is to need the help of others. I also agree to be vulnerable as an eater. I acknowledge that I will be helpless when I am old and unwell. I further recognize that even when I am fully capable, I may still need the warmth and care of someone who can feed me. Therefore, as an eater, I agree to be nourished by others.

If I have a woman's body, I acknowledge that I have a special relationship to eating and nourishment. I recognize that as a giver of life, I am the nourished of life as well. Whether through my cooking or the milk of my body, I acknowledge that the union of food and love is a quality that marks my womanhood and has a profound effect on humankind.

As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous.

I further agree that eating is an activity that joins me with all humanity. I recognize that to be an eater is to be accountable for the care of the earth and its resources. I acknowledge that despite our differences, we are all ultimately nourished by the same source. As such, I agree to share.

I recognize that at its deepest level eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth, I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again and again...

From: Nourishing Wisdom, Marc David, Bell Tower, New York, 1991.

Do you enjoy exercising? Do you have a physical activity that you just love and can’t wait to do? Or, do you wish you wanted to exercise - after all it will help you lose weight - but you can’t seem to get yourself to do it? Or, perhaps you yo-yo exercise - you exercise for a while and then, suddenly, you can’t bring yourself to go to the gym or jump on your bike again?

Many people have heard of compulsive (or addictive) exercising. This is a term used to describe someone who exercises too much and/or too often. For many who use compulsive exercise, it is a way to cope with feeling too full or as a way to control weight gain or to compensate for other areas where they feel out of control?

On the other end of the continuum is exercise resistance. Francie White, a dietician working with eating disorders in the Santa Barbara California area, coined the term Exercise Resistance. Although it is not widely recognized as a type of eating disorder or body image issue, I believe it is an important element to be explored.

Most of the women who have a resistance to exercise also tend to be emotional eaters, have a history of dieting and/or challenges with body image. In these individuals motivational strategies to encourage exercising fail and the thought of exercising is met with feelings of anger, anxiety and, well, resistance.

What are the risk factors?

• A history with three or more diets. Individuals may actually be consciously or unconsciously responding to society’s emphasis on the ideal body as thin… as if to say, “I will not look the way you want me to look!”

• Parents who forced or overemphasized exercising as a way to encourage their child to lose weight. Physical activity stops being play and becomes work and something to dread.

• A history of sexual abuse for women or early onset puberty/development of large breasts. The sexual abuse could have occurred at any age or in any form and may even have occurred shortly after weight loss. In these cases, the individual may be attempting to prevent sexual attention or intimacy as a larger body size rarely receives unwanted sexual attention.

Do you think you resist exercise? If so, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• When did being physically active change from being about play to being about “exercise”?

• When did exercise become something you “should” do rather than simply a desire to move your body in a physical way?

• Has physical activity ever been something you did to control your weight? If so, how did that change your view or feelings about exercise?

• How did your feelings about exercise change after puberty?

• Does being physically active relate to your feelings of sexuality? If so, how?

If you resist exercising, you may want to explore the underlying reasons for this. The above questions will help you do this. If you need support, talk to a therapist or other professional about it.

In addition, you may need to choose not to exercise for a while. The part of you that resists exercising has a voice too. Acknowledge it, explore the reasons, and give into it. In a way, you are telling that part of you, “I understand why you are here and that you have learned to dread exercising.” When you really give this part what it wants, it will eventually get tired of not moving, and will want an activity to engage in. After all, we have a natural, internal drive to move our bodies.

When you are ready to choose an exercise, pick something you really enjoy. For example, I don’t like going to a gym. With all the advertisements about, I feel distracted and sometimes bad about myself. I enjoy running but my ankle can’t take it and it really isn't something I look forward to doing. I finally found yoga. I love yoga and look forward to it. I love belly dancing too and have taken classes in the past. Both forms of activity feel great and I love to experience what my body can do.

What do you love to do? What is fun and playful, something you look forward to doing? This doesn’t mean it is always easy to go off into happy exercise land. A mild resistance once in a while is okay and normal. However, you want to find a physical activity that you enjoy, that you do because it is fun and rewarding… not because it will help you lose weight. It is then that you may actually want to exercise and enjoy its benefits: stress reduction, increased energy, feeling your body move, and enjoying your body’s strength and flexibility.

Let exercise be your adult form of play. Whenever you next exercise, experiment with bringing play into your exercise: giggle during your play activity, bring your friends in to play with you, act like a child would if they were doing your activity, be creative, playful.

If you find that you continue to resist exercise, you may want to seek the help of a professional. Remember, it may be more than just finding a coach to help motivate you. You may need to further explore your feelings about exercise and your body.

For those of you who live in an area where Kaiser health care is near, you will know the advertising to which I speak.  In their Thrive campaign, Kaiser Permanente posts billboards displaying a girl about age 9 saying "I will not be a part of Generation XXL".  This is just the type of advertising that I think contributes to eating disorders in children! 

One, the billboard reminds us that being fat is bad.  This thinking is what leads to discrimination, prejudice and shame.  Two, if you are a chubby child (or adult), are told you are, or perceive that you are (usually because someone told you this), this billboard reminds you to feel shame about yourself.  Shame will lead one straight toward the kitchen to numb the pain. 

I could continue on about this topic.  However, I will stop here and invite you, the reader, to comment and/or add to the reasons this advertising is hurting us and our children more than it is helping.

Hi,

America the Beautiful, a film by Darryl Roberts, is a documentary about body image and the obsession with beauty in America.  Darryl Roberts does a great job at sampling many of the areas in which our obsession with beauty begins, and ends.  Although I thought he took on a bit too much, which diluted some of the information he had, it was still a terrific documentary.  Please go see it!  Bring your friends, family, partner.  Not only will you learn something (I did, even though I know a lot about this topic) but this is such an important topic to address; especially now, in a culture in which the opposing view points are too readily available.  Click here to go to the website for more information and a preview. 

I came across a great website regarding how fat people are treated in our society.  As I read it, I began to cry.  I encourage you to give it a read too. 

Here is the web address: A Place at the Table

I imagine that reading this will bring up a variety of emotions, different for each of us who reads it.  I encourage you to allow yourself to feel it... feel it for yourself and/or for others.  Let me know what came up for you, if you wish.

I was doing some research and came across an on-line news article from the Portland Tribute.  Here is a glimpse of what it discussed:
"Trial puts treatment for obesity to the test: The new technology involves implanting in participants a flat, silver dollar-size device that will send signals to their brain reducing their appetites and increasing their sense of being full — no matter how much they’ve eaten."  (view the full article)

My main question is this: But, wouldn't someone want to learn themselves how to sense when they are full and learn to stop eating without some device implanted into their bodies? 

I think so.  I completely understand the desire to be thin is SO strong that, well, desperate means call for desperate measures.  But, even the article points out that once the device is removed, it is likely people will gain the weight back (and, probably more).  It is simply another diet.

Diets don't teach you how to eat well, or how to be in control of your weight, or how to feel good about your body or yourself, or how to stop when you are full, or how to listen to yourself in any way! 

If you want to learn those things, there may be some work involved (behaviorally, psychological, etc) but it will be well worth the effort... and, then you can finally say NO to any diet or any person, or any device telling you what or how much to eat!  Now, I think that would be much better...  Don't you?

I often ask those who I work with: "If it's not about food, what is it about?"

Unless you are eating to fuel your body when you are hungry, you may be using food as a way to cope with your emotions. In other words, it isn't about food, it is about something else.

If it's not about food, what is it about? Asking yourself this question will help you identify what you are feeling, what you are thinking, and what is really going on.

Sometimes, people I work with resist this. "What if it is about food?" or "Sometimes it is about food (or hating my body)." If it was really only about food, you would think about it only when you are hungry or when you are eating. However, if you are reading this, you probably think about food, hating your body, binging, purging etc., many times during your day. Therefore, I would say that it is really about emotions other than hunger that is driving your eating behaviors.

Below are some questions to ask yourself before you engage in any of your binge/purge eating behaviors (for an explanation of binge/purge behaviors click here to go to my website). Ask yourself the questions and then go inside your body to contemplate the answer. A good way to do this is to take a deep breath and follow your breath into your body. You can also write down what comes up when you ask yourself these questions. This will help you explore what you are really feeling. Doing so may even lead you to lose the desire to do the eating behavior. Try it.

1. What eating behavior(s) are you thinking about doing?

2. What is happening right now?

3. What emotions are you experiencing? (Try not to label them as good or bad or wonder 'why' you are experiencing this emotion. Just notice it)

4. What are you hoping will happen if you engage in the eating behavior?


Below are some questions to ask yourself after you engage in an eating behavior. Go into your body or write down what comes to mind when you ask these questions. This will help you learn more about what is driving your behavior.

1. What type of eating behavior(s) did you engage in?

2. What was happening just before you engaged in the eating behavior?

3. What emotions were you experiencing immediately prior to the eating behavior and immediately after?

4. What did it feel like, physically and emotionally, to engage in this type of behavior?

5. What were you hoping would happen by engaging in your eating behavior(s)?


Learning about what you are trying to avoid, what you are trying to communicate, or trying to deal with by using food, is often the first step toward changes in your eating behaviors. When you face your emotions, you no longer need food to help you cope.

Of course, learning to face your emotions may be a challenge. We often aren’t taught to do this by our parents or even in our society (I call this the “eat this cookie and you’ll feel better” syndrome.) Therefore, sometimes you may need a little extra help in discovering and expressing your emotions in a healthy way. You can do this with a friend, family or partner who is willing to support you in this way. Or, you can do this with a therapist who is trained to help you access your feelings.

In short, just changing your behaviors around food a little and/or exploring what is driving these behaviors with the questions above can help bring up the feelings. If you notice yourself pushing them back down, some extra help might be needed. However, if you let the feelings come up: sit with them, share them with another, notice how that feels and appreciate yourself for doing it.